Welcome to my Random Thoughts

Be kilig! wahahahaha… sobra sobra sobra today… Happy!

Bow.  Ym me for details… hahahhahaha…

If this blog is about me and my getting over.. gosh, no more things to share! Hahah… maybe a few that I can backdate.

At long last.   I didn’t expect that I’d actually reach this point.  But I’m finally over him! Woohooo…

It doesn’t hurt when I think about him… I don’t think I want him back… The happy memories we had are just that… What else… I want a boyfriend, and it’s not necessarily him!

I didn’t think the fasting would work… but it did it did…

Now I still have some fixing to do.. still have some baggages, still jaded… but I don’t really care about him anymore… well not much… but yeah..  He’s just in the box where all the other jerks are…

So there… I’m just happy to announce… I’m too lazy to study that’s why I’m writing this FYI post… nothing deep here…  Sorry to waste 10 min of your time.  Carry on.

When I think about the good times we had, I would ask myself if I made a mistake, that I was too selfish and greedy and I missed the only chance I had of getting married and that I let go of the only man who is WILLING to marry me.  And the thought of being alone for the rest of my life and not being able to take care little Nellie’s and little sons would be enough to depress me.  I just imagine slashing my wrists because I don’t have the guts to actually do it.  I feel like there is nothing else to life.  I’m replaceable in all the aspects of my life: work, friends… well almost all… I’m sure my parents would be devastated if I were gone.

And when I think about the good times we had, I would think of what it would have been like now?  What if I didn’t initiate the break up a long time ago?  I might have be engaged! Or even married!  Or pregnant!

With this thought, among others, linger in my mind, God led to me Ecclesiastes 7:10, where it said (NLT)

Don’t long for “the good old days” for you don’t know whether they were any better than today.

And it’s right… How would I know that it would be better if we were still together right now?  Sure I might be happier, but there might be something that God withheld if we were still together, like real JOY or PEACE or the right ONE…  Instead of looking at the past and whining about how great it would be to go back, I should just LIVE.  NOW.  And create new happy days.

So really, the good old days are just that… a distant memory of happiness.  But that doesn’t mean that I can’t be happy now or that the happy days are forever gone.  I am hopeful that there are brighter days ahead (hopefully starting tomorrow).

Goodnight everyone.

The past few days, I felt so giddy and free. I wanted to have a boyfriend and I don’t imagine him to be like the Ex. I wanted to love and be loved. When I think about the Ex, I don’t feel pain anymore, nor do I feel any regret. The times we spent together are almost erased from my memory (having bad memory has its advantages). In short, I think I have moved on.

I don’t think I’ll make the same mistake of meeting him just to test if I have moved on. I don’t think I can stop myself from stabbing him with a knife, but more than that, I am scared to find out that I haven’t actually moved on yet, that this week was caused by some hormonal imbalance or by someone.

I tried to resist going to his blog. I’ve always asked myself the usual questions as to why I want to read his blog: “Are you hopeful there is something there that will say how much he regrets hurting you?”,and “Are you ready to read anything about THE girl?”. If I’m still hopeful, better not go there. If he didn’t feel he wronged or deeply damaged the other girls, what makes me think I’m different, that he ACTUALLY feels sorry for what he did, and will ACTUALLY blog about it? If he mentioned anything about THE girl and how happy he is, then most likely I’ll be crying the whole day in the office.

And lately, I have learned to stop hurting myself.

So for the last few months, I have not read his blog. And tonight, a bad combination of The Reader, inability to concentrate studying, and a great urge to test if I have moved on, I checked out the latest entries of his blog.

And NO, there was nothing about me, and NO, there was no entry about THE girl and how happy he is with her. But I have been holding my breath the whole time, bracing myself for the hurt.

And so I realized he still has some power over me and he can still hurt me. Which makes me sad since I can’t do anything to hurt him back.

Do I want him back? I don’t want to think about it… I probably won’t like the truth. Sometimes I do want him back, and I’m fantasizing about this fabulous MMK love story. Sometimes I don’t. I don’t think I know him anymore.

So did I pass the test? Have I really moved on?

Despite the happy free feeling I had this week, there is still this tiny flicker of hope that I can’t extinguish just yet. So no, maybe not fully. But I have made progress, for which I should be thankful for. I didn’t expect to be fine until the next 5 years.

And the songs I dedicate to you are:

Pare ko – Eraserheads

Napuno ako ng pag-asa
Yun pala haggang dun lang ang kaya
Akala ko ay pwede pa
(refrain)
Masakit mang isipin kailangang tanggapin
Kung kelan ka naging siryoso tsaka ka niya gagaguhin
(chorus)
O, diyos ko ano ba naman ito
Di ba
Langhiya nagmukha akong tanga
Pinaasa niya lang ako
Lecheng pag-ibig to
O diyos ko ano ba naman ito.

I Will Survive

It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart
and I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
Now I hold my head up high

Material Girl

Boys may come and boys may go
And that’s all right you see
Experience has made me rich
And now they’re after me, ’cause everybody’s

Living in a material world
And I am a material girl
You know that we are living in a material world
And I am a material girl.

I’m just terribly sad and you’re not exactly doing anything about it… maybe an angelic appearance or 2 would be great…

I shouldn’t see you anymore… You make me sad.  Jess is right, I should make you regret for letting me go, not making you feel guilty.  Because if I try to be misearble and depressed and make you feel guilty, that just means I’m still hoping you’d come back for me and fix me.  Well, obviously that’s not happening.  So I should move on.  Live whatever life I still have (since God doesn’t want to kill me now).  Pick up the pieces of my heart and hope that I can still give it whole to someone new.

I’m glad I deleted your number and your email add, so I can’t contact you when I feel lonely.  I don’t want to beg you again to stay when you clearly said you don’t want to be back together again.

But you didn’t.  And I guess it’s kind of embarassing what I did, asking you to stay.  But I’m glad I did, because at least there’s no regret on my side.  I tried to keep you, but you won’t stay with me.  So, I guess I’ll have to move on.  I don’t know how, considering we were friends for almost 7 years now.  But time can heal, I hear.